A Charade with the Dates from Hell
My office mate QPT thinks that I’m the most cynical person in the world. In fact, she blames me for some of her misfortunes and occasional bouts with depression, contending that my negative outlook in life is a contagious virus that afflicts her through my constant bickering over lunch break. However, I would always counter that she sometimes shares some of my cynical ideals, and worse, would even conspire with me to come up with the most devilish of schemes.
A few months back, for example, QPT and I were discussing about how overrated Valentine’s Day is. As the 14th of February approaches, people seem to be agog with bouquets of roses, love poems, and heart-shaped cakes. Those with existing relationships gush with love-sick anticipation, while the not-so-lucky singletons would frantically bug their friends and kin for potential blind dates. Maybe Valentine’s Day is a day when people would like to feel attractive and wanted, but on the contrary, we felt that the only ones who gain from this pheromone-induced frenzy are the jaded bourgeoisies themselves. If you’re confused, think of Christmas shopping in a store operated by Buddhist merchants. Being the self-proclaimed guardians of anything cynical, QPT and I decided that drastic measures had to be implemented.
For starters, QPT and I decided to engage in blind dates with total strangers. Well, not exactly total strangers since my date would come from QPT’s social circle while her date would be someone I’m acquainted with. Our plan was to treat our dates with the worst time possible, thereby making them loathe Valentine’s Day in the process. After days of trying to figure out who our potential victims would be, we narrowed our choices to:
1. QPT’s Date: the Tall Preppy Accountant (TPA) – TPA and I lived in the same dormitory in college. Back then, their (TPA and his roomies) room was the tidiest in the whole of the men’s wing. Since their room had nice curtains and free distilled water and midnight snacks to boot, I found myself to be a constant visitor of their room. We were not particularly close and inevitably lost touch after graduation. Not long ago, I bumped into him in Makati. We chatted briefly, and I learned that he is still single. For as long as I could remember, TPA has always been single, and trusting my gut, I knew he was the perfect choice for QPT.
2. My Date: the Artistic Bratty Sociologist (ABS) – QPT and ABS have known each other since high school. According to QPT, ABS is a bit weird and bratty – quite typical for an only child. ABS once insisted on footing half of the bill during one of her ill-fated dates. Obviously, her date didn’t want to, but since ABS was adamant about giving her share, the poor guy accepted her money. Afterwards, ABS resented the guy for not being insistent enough to prevent her from paying. ABS is definitely one of the most impossible personalities one could ever think of. But boy; I was definitely up for the challenge!
The battle plan was simple: QPT and I were going to be the dates from hell. On her part, QPT will play the role of a blushing colegiala who works as an encoder in our company. Like a typical pop tart, QPT will claim that she digs Britney Spears and reads Sweet Valley High novels. She would also assert that she’s conservative and religious since she goes to church whenever she can. For their date, QPT will invite TPA to watch “Let The Love Begin” and she would swoon throughout the movie at how romantic the plot is and what a handsome pair Angel Locsin and Richard Gutirrrez make. For the remainder of the night, QPT will smile shyly and agree with anything that TPA will say and ask.
For my part, I will be the ultimate cheapskate. I shall invite ABS to meet me somewhere in SM City North EDSA and bring her to a Jollibee outlet. I would then treat her to a “Regular Yum Meal” with no fries or softdrink upgrades. I would then proceed to tell her sob stories about my sorry life of poverty. We won’t watch a movie since I’m out of cash, of course, and will ask her to accompany me to the wet market in Cubao where I’ll purchase some eggs. “Paborito kasi ni Inang ang piniritong itlog sa hapunan,” I would explain to ABS. To top it all, we’re going to ride an ordinary bus or a jeepney when we make our way to the market place and when I drop her home.
While the plans were elaborately set, our blind dates did not push through, though. Despite my repeated attempts to woo TPA into dating QPT, the former never committed to it, prompting QPT to bitterly question TPA’s sexuality. My date with ABS did not materialize as well since I was unwilling to take the plunge if QPT has not done the same. Besides, I might overdo the whole charade and I’m afraid that ABS will throw a childish tantrum in the middle of Nepa-Q Mart.
In the meantime, QPT and I are still hopeful that we would eventually carry out our devious scheme sometime in the future. We’re not sure who and when, but when the time comes, we’ll make sure that our victims will regret ever going out on blind dates. Yes, it may sound too harsh and evil, but even cynics like us will find a silver lining on such undertaking.
