Dogbert’s Whip

When the distance grows and the nights are long
And you’re scared at times and you wonder why
Take care and don’t go too far; I will miss you so…
The road back home is shorter than you know
– Moonpools and Caterpillars in “Heaven”

If you guys have been reading my blog here in Friendster (well, at least I hope so), you’ve probably noticed that I often mention a person who goes by the name Queen of Pain and Tardiness, or QPT for short. On a number of occasions, I have described (or playfully denigrated) QPT in my articles, detailing how she acquired her three word moniker. Although I hate to admit it, QPT also happens to be my all-time favorite officemate (but then again, this is just my first job – peace!).

I’d like to think that QPT and I get along pretty well not because we need each other’s precious company during our lunch break, but because we complement each other in many ways. For instance, we both have this habit of shamelessly slacking on our daunting office tasks, then whine endlessly whenever our bosses remind us of our deadlines. QPT is also the girl I know who gamely answers all my demented hypothetical questions. In the process, she even comes up with her own brand of even more sick questions. For instance, let me give you this classic example:

QPT: “Would you make out (read: french kiss, necking, and petting) with Pierce Brosnan for fifteen minutes if you’ll get a top-of-the-line Jaguar in return? Nobody has to know; it’s just Pierce, you, and a five-star hotel room somewhere in the Caribbean.”

I, the Geoscience Hunk Wannabe (GHW): “You’re crazy! And you even have the gall to bribe me with a luxury car and a trip to the Caribbean!”

QPT: “Why not?! It’s just smooching and groping with a hunky, hairy actor. You have nothing lose. Isa pa, kasiraan yun ni Pierce at hindi sa’yo ‘no! Kapal talaga! And think of what that Jaguar would do to your dismal social life…”

GHW (covers ears with palms): “I’m not going to listen to any of this anymore! (sings loudly) The sun goes out tomorrow…”

More than just the hilarious hypothetical questions, QPT and I share other things, and among them, food. Some weeks ago, we munched on Piattos potato crisps and Tostillas corn chips in the company cafeteria. It was our typical late afternoon merienda, except that it wasn’t just an ordinary day. It was QPT’s last day at the office, and that snack was our last meal as official workmates.

QPT and I are never the sentimental kind, but it felt rather surreal knowing that our days of swapping hypothetical situations over lunch break has finally come to an end. No more ribbing each other in our sensory deprivation chambers (read: cubicles). No more Ctrl+A e-mails that document our endless whining and what-nots. No more “taxipooling” after work and hunting for Makati babes and hunks in the elevators and side streets. Somehow, I got the feeling that the world has just gotten a tad sadder.

Before QPT finally left Citibank Tower, I promised that I would make a blog entry about her. I explained that it would be sort of a quasi-tribute to the person who has introduced me to blogging, who has called me the most jaded and cynical person in the world, and who has become my closest female friend so far. Immediately, she lashed out that I should make it good, lest she retaliates against me in her own “Stupid Strings” blog in Multiply.com (well, she calls my blog “Stupid Dogbert” so I’m not being mean here).

I’ve always been a fan of David Letterman, so predictably, my so-called tribute for QPT will be in the form of a TOP TEN LIST. Yes, I know it’s not original at all, but if you’ve been brain dead like I am for the longest time, this is my best crack at something presentable. So without further adieu, here it goes:

TOP TEN THINGS YOU PROBABLY DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT QPT:

(10) THE ALWAYS LATE DRAMA QUEEN – This is quite obvious already, given that she is the Queen of Pain and Tardiness. I’d like to think that she has never heard of the story about how the early bird gets the worm. Also, Lindsay Lohan will never stand a chance… :p

(9) TOPSY TURVY – It’s virtually impossible for her to make concrete decisions. She simply can’t make up her mind, whether it is food that she’s going to order in Wendy’s, or if she’ll shift back to Physics after spending a year of grad school in Computer Science. But this trait is most particularly applicable to her love life, or simply the lack of it. :p

(8) FRUSTRATED PHOTOGRAPHER – No matter how hard she tries, I still take better photographs. Ha! :p

(7) CHOCOLATE MOUSSE – She gobbles up massive amounts of this whenever she gets depressed. No wonder she gained a lot of weight in such a short time. :p

(6) BROWN OUTFIT – She always dresses in drab brown: brown blouse, brown skirt, brown slacks, etc. I once joked that she could hug a tree trunk and she’ll blend perfectly well, sort of her version of a chameleon. :p

(5) GOOD WRITER – She writes pretty darn well. If you haven’t read her blog articles or her Chant column in Peyups.com, then I guess you’re missing a bunch.

(4) SELF-PROCLAIMED TECHIE – iPod? Check. Laptop? Check. Digicam? Check. Now only if she’ll get rid of that phone… :p

(3) HEADSTRONG – Time and again, we’ve clashed on our political views. No matter how hard I try to convince her, she’ll never ever dish out a morsel of love for GMA.

(2) LOVING & LOYAL – There was absolutely nothing that I could’ve done in the past to piss her off until I made fun of her friends and her family.

(1) ANGEL – Believe me; it’s not just her real name.