Dogbert’s Whip

Dear Santa Claus,

How are you out there in the North Pole? I’m pretty sure that things are getting chaotic out there with Christmas fast approaching. I would also be that stressed if I have to deliver billions of presents to spoiled, whiny brats around the world.

Last time I heard, your droves of elf employees who work day and night were planning a massive work boycott unless you give in to their demands of health care insurance, espresso machines in the workplace, and year-long maternity leaves for expectant elf ladies. If women in Sweden can have it and still get paid 80% of their usual wages, why can’t they, right?

Even Rudolph, your most loyal reindeer pal, is secretly conniving with Dancer and Prancer, to join the elves’ union. They may not be of the same species, but hey, your sleigh-pulling mammals also suffer from work-related grievances. I can’t be wrong about all of this, you know. I happen to be a loyal subscriber of the “North Pole Tatler,” and as you guessed correctly, I read the gossip columns and blind items of the magazine during my spare time, which in my case is “almost all the time.”

And so you might be thinking: “What’s the whole freaking point of this letter?” Not only have I mocked your managerial skills, I have also increased your stress levels by a thousand fold by rubbing the fact that Christmas is less than two weeks away! Well, my dear Santa, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out the obvious – I’m a sucker for gifts and I want to receive a lot of them for Christmas.

Now quit shaking your head. I know I haven’t been good lately, for the past few years in fact, but I want you to know that all the bad things I did were intentional. Yes, they all were. It was my way of getting back at you. Why? First, let me quote a very popular jingle in your honor: “He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake…”

I mean, come on! What kind of pervert would spy on little kids all the time? You enjoy watching them even in the potty, huh? Oohhh! You naughty Santa, you. And you even use those vile deeds to gauge who receives a present or not. That’s unbelievable, manipulative, and absolutely treacherous!

Like any concerned and sensible citizen of Earth, it’s my moral obligation to file charges of multiple (billions, in fact) counts of voyeurism of minors and unfair labor practices against your elf workers and reindeers. That shouldn’t be so hard to do on my part since I was one of your former victims. As a hyperactive eight year old, my parents warned me about being bad every December. “You will not get a gift from Santa,” they warned me.

Can you imagine the mounting pressure of staying good all December long? I had to be polite at all times, clean my mess, eat my vegetables, and not fight with my brothers. And what did I get in return from doing all those good deeds, albeit half-heartedly, come Christmas morning? A plastic coin bank in the shape of a blue fire truck! Now, we’re you mocking me? I didn’t get to have lunch money until I was in grade 4. So what was I to do with that truck? Seriously, you could’ve done so much better than that.

Now here’s the catch. In typical mafia method of settling issues, I’m willing to drop all the charges that I’m planning to file against you if you’ll spread the word about my Christmas Wish List to all my friends. No, Santa. Don’t bother trying to give me one of the items in the list. Your elf slaves, err workers, are too busy making wooden trains and plastic coin bank fire trucks already. And so here it goes…

My Christmas Wish List

1. Jogging shorts – Size 32, any sporty brand will do. One of my goals for 2007 is to start running around the UP Academic Oval again. Yeah! I swear. Pramis!

2. Hiking Pants – Size 32; some reasonably priced ones are found in Habagat and Toby’s Arena

3. Fisherman’s Cap – I prefer something in gray or olive green. Toby’s also has lots of them

4. Anti-fog goggles – I know that summer is still a few months away. But hey; goggles are always sold on sale during the holidays

5. Speedo board shorts – Size 32, same reason as #4

6. Two fluffy pillows – the ones in my room are saturated with spittle and mold and are in very bad need of replacement

7. Family Guy™ merchandise – anything that has Stewie Griffin on it would be fine

8. Dilbert™ comic book – as always

9. Jasper Fforde’s “The Eyre Affair” – I’ve been looking for this book for ages.

10. Toshiba Satellite M110 series* laptop – to the benevolent person willing to give me this one, I shall be your slave for a week**

* core 2 duo processor, 1.60Hz processor speed, 120GB hard drive, 2048MB memory size, DVD/R, finger print reader, and more – the coolest laptop on Earth!

** Disclaimer: I’ll do absolutely anything you ask for as long as your commands will not result to emotional distress, public humiliation, any degree of physical pain, minor and major injuries, and untimely death. In case of sexual favors, everything must be consensual.

I’m counting on you, Santa. Don’t disappoint me this time.

Your former victim seeking retribution,

Dennis