Dogbert’s Whip

“So you’re worth 21 cups of insanely expensive coffee,” I remarked to my leather-bound planner last night. It didn’t talk back of course, but that all too familiar mermaid logo stared back at me, and in my fertile imagination, it said: “You were gullible enough to be lured by that bogus promo so live with it, you fool!” And the Starbucks Siren was right; I was hypnotized by the prospect of getting my own “free” planner over the holidays that I frequented the coffee shop like a caffeine-addicted madman.

The Starbucks planner promo required customers to buy ten cups of their special limited-edition holiday beverages (e.g., Gingerbread Latte and Peppermint Mocha) and eleven servings of their usual coffee and tea variants (i.e., Caramel Macchiato, Chamomile Tea, etc.) until the end of January 2007. After each purchase, your friendly neighborhood barista will place a sticker on your “Starbucks Planner Card” and will hand you the booty once all 21 stickers are completed. 

I claimed my own Starbucks planner last month, and the barista who handed it to me cheerfully said, “Congratulations! Would you like another Starbucks Planner Card?” I couldn’t believe it; after spending hundreds of pesos and suffering caffeine-induced palpitations, he was quick to assume that I wanted another planner. I resisted the urge to whack the barista by strangling him with his green apron. After grabbing the freebie with one quick swoop, I hurriedly left the store and made a vow to imprison all Filipinos with fake American accents should I become president one day. Shades of Marcos and possibly GMA, huh? But then again, that’s another story.

A veneer of dust has settled on the planner’s skin from obvious disuse. I opened it and leafed through the pages. I was surprised to see that I have actually written some New Year’s resolutions on the page that says “January.” I laughed at myself for neglecting to remember any of my promises. Item #4 in the list clearly states: “Make one blog entry per month.” That’s when I realized that I haven’t updated my Friendster blog since I made a threatening letter to Santa Claus in my cheeky attempt to get lots of gifts. (Note: Please see previous blog entry.)

Now if you, my dear reader, have reached this portion of the article, I’m happy to let you know that you’ve just read a whole page of nonsense babble. To give you an idea of how much I scammed you so far, I use Verdana size 12 single spaced. The only double spaced portions are between my lengthy paragraphs. Yes, that’s how much you’ve read. Can’t believe it? Then give yourself a monkey pat on the shoulder.

Anyhoo, I’ve been tapping the keyboard for approximately an hour now and I can’t still think of anything fascinating to write about. I knew I had to make this blog entry no matter what it takes. Then, a clever thought came to me. “What do bored and creativity-challenged bloggers write about?” Well, aside from kwento about how their crushes make them gush and how their day started and ended with the rising and setting of the sun, respectively, they also list down music they hear from their mp3 players! Woohoo!

And I was like, “Wow! I can also do that!” (At this stage, I’m somehow afraid of losing 10 IQ points that will never go back.) I wore my earphones, turned my iPod nano on, and shuffled the 606 songs currently in my playlist. Here are the first 20 songs that played:       

1. Where Is The Love –Black Eyed Peas

2. As I Lay Me Down –Sophie Hawkins

3. Breakfast At Tiffany’s –Deep Blue Something

4. Perfect –True Faith

5. If Only You Knew –Patti Austin

6. Ipagpatawad Mo –VST & Co.

7. Narda –Kamikazee

8. Silent All These Years –Tori Amos

9. Africa –Toto

10. Blue Jeans –Rocksteddy

11. Swept Away –Christopher Cross

12. Mahirap Magmahal Ng Syota Ng Iba –Apo Hiking Society

13. Di Na Natuto –Sound

14. Runaway Train –Soul Asylum

15. I Think I’m Paranoid –Garbage

16. Patience –Guns N Roses

17. Mr. Jones –Counting Crowes

18. Let Me Blow Ya Mind –Eve feat. Gwen Stefani

19. American Pie –Don McLean

20. Freshmen –Verve Pipe

Scanning through the list, I suddenly realized the predictable. Almost all songs in the world are about romantic love. Song #1 has the word “love” in its title but the love it professes is about the variety that will end war, prejudice, and racism. And no, it’s not the kind of love that’s all about being sappy and saccharine, and wanting to get into each other’s underpants. I think it’s the Black Eyed Peas’ best song to date, although I have to admit that “My Humps” makes my feet tap, my fingers snap, and the song itself stays in my mind even if I smack my head cold on the pavement.

Most of the love songs in the selection are accompanied by mellow and preachy melodies that seem to say, “I love you so much; you’re like oxygen; without you, I die.” This is true for #2, 4, 5, 6, 11, 13, and 16. Some love songs like #3, 9, 15, and 18 are accompanied by rock or R&B music and make their message known without being sentimental. Aside from Breakfast at Tiffany’s, my personal favorites in the list aren’t even about love, but touch on subjects about rape (#8), youthful angst (#10), and drug use (#20).

Six of the songs — #4, 6, 7, 10, 12, 13 — that made the first twenty are OPM (Original Pilipino Music). Technically, Apo Hiking Society has three songs in the list (what are the odds of that?) since #10 and #13 are covers from younger bands. The Kamikazee song, while full of innuendos, is pretty clever. It’s great that they’re being recognized for their own material. I used to watch the band perform wacky covers of Britney Spears’ “Lucky” and Ariel Rivera’s “Sana Kahit Minsan.”

I was most glad to hear Tori Amos’ most popular song (#8). As an added bonus, a haunting piece of poetry is recited before the quirky piano intro. It goes: 

I heard of a man

who says words so beautifully

That if he only speaks their name

women give themselves to him

If I am dumb beside your body

While silence blossoms like tumors on our lips

It is because I hear a man climb the stairs

And cleared his throat outside our door

Now how cool is that? I “googled” the poem and learned that it’s more than fifty years old! The piece is entitled simply as “Poem” and was penned by a Canadian poet and musician named Leonard Cohen in the 1950’s. Memorizing this poem will have its advantages. Not only will it make you sound smarter, it’ll give you an instant excuse why your “Bedroom Quotient” is sub par. I can imagine a situation just now –

Your Significant Other: “Argh! Ano ka ba? You did not pleasure me at all! It was like I did it with a dead fish!”

You (in your most melancholy tone): “…If I am dumb beside your body while silence blossoms like tumors on our lips, it is because I hear a man climb the stairs and cleared his throat outside our door.”  

YSO: “I have no idea what you just said but it sounds so smart, so sexy! I think I love you more na!”

If this actually works for you, please let me know. I just might use that same line one of these days. Yeah, yeah, yeah; I know what you’re thinking. I really don’t need some poetry excuse if all the action that I get these days is from Mrs. Palmer and her five lovely daughters. Hmmm… maybe or maybe not. Let’s keep that a mystery. Ha!

I’m officially on my fourth page of typing right now, and I suddenly feel exhausted. This article has become very lengthy, and so I guess this makes up for what I missed last month. Problem is, I just can’t think of a great way to end this blog entry. It seems like my witty brain brain cells (however few they are) have extended their holiday hibernation. Like Al Gore and hundreds of messed up grizzly bears, I’m blaming global warming.

And so I leave you guys with this mediocre piece, hoping that you won’t whack when you see me for wasting your time. If it’s any consolation, at least you now know that you can push your patience to the limits when the need arises. If you survived this, you’ll be able to endure anything.

This is Dennis, signing off, and I hope to write a better piece in March.

This entry was posted on Monday, February 5th, 2007 at 1:16 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.